Because nothing says “holiday spirit” like 3 days of cayenne pepper and lemon water.

People Who Have a “Cleanse” for Every Occasion

Ah yes, the modern ritual of purification: the cleanse. A sacred tradition where you voluntarily consume things no one asked you to drink and then brag about it on Instagram. Let’s explore the world of people who think green sludge is a lifestyle.

1. They cleanse after holidays, weekends, Tuesdays–really, any event that involved chewing.

2. They say “toxins” without ever specifying what those are. Shadowy villains, apparently.

3. They treat celery juice like it’s holy water blessed by Gwyneth Paltrow herself.

4. They have strong opinions about activated charcoal despite not understanding carbon chemistry.

5. They fast for 72 hours and claim to feel “euphoric”–which is just hunger-induced hallucination.

6. They’ve turned the blender into a sacred altar. Vitamix be thy name.

7. They refer to coffee as “acidic filth”… unless it’s enema-grade. Don’t ask.

8. They believe lemon water can solve your trauma, taxes, and skin issues.

9. They bring their own kale smoothie to brunch. Everyone else brings judgment.

10. They start sentences with “I’m doing a gut reset,” as if that’s normal.

11. Their fridge looks like a compost bin in a Whole Foods ad.

12. They say “I’m not hungry, I’m detoxing” while their stomach tries to sue for neglect.

13. They think “colon hydrotherapy” sounds relaxing, not like plumbing gone wrong.

14. They won’t eat cake but will drink pond scum if it’s labeled “clean.”

15. Their blood type is probably kale by now.

SOURCE: How To Write Comedy & SpinTaxi.com